I'm sure you're familiar with the non-edited, the non second draft, the non grammar perfect kind of questions. The kind that ruin the perfectly rolling handwriting of your journal and become real, scribbled out and re-written, ink-blotted, and unveiled. Well, I've had a lot of those questions lately.
As I sat cross-legged on my bed and fought through the longest and quietest part of the afternoon, I let the questions come. I didn't moderate them or make them more attractive for fear that God would be offended.
I admitted I felt directionless. That even though I had desires blossoming in my heart, I didn't know if a door would ever open to see them come to fruition. I asked an even harder question: what if there have been open doors but I have been too afraid to walk through them? Do I hold fast to a faithless way of living because I can't stand the feeling of faith? Has my passion and love for God cooled so that I am not answering the call He has placed on my life?
It's hard to want something that God has withheld so far. To wonder if you have mistaken God's call on your heart because you want it so much. That just maybe, I'm missing it all. Maybe my ministry will be something I never wanted. That statement by my very own heart makes my stomach sink. I didn't want to say that because I know it might be true.
All of the questions addressed to God are followed by questions to myself. It's the question that always makes me cry because it pulls painfully at the heart. Because it's real and this is what it all comes down to: "If God took it all, would I follow Him? If He never opened the door for music, never brought me an opportunity to minister in that way, never allowed me to sing into a mic, write another song, or ever pen another lyric, could I trust He had something better? If He never fulfilled any other precious desire I ever had, could I follow Him even though it would hurt?"
If my life were to stay small, would I be okay with that? It used to be the idea of living big that scared me; now I wonder if it would be even scarier and more disappointing to live small. Living small is hard because you feel as though everyone else around you is living the life you want. Have been given the blessings you feel you're owed. Stands in the ministry you want to have. Radiates with the joy you long for. Is the prayer warrior you should be. Though you know that no one is put together or perfect, you feel like you're the only one that is actually true of. You feel like you're the only one God has ever said "no" or "not yet" to.
And then I stop asking questions and admit my current heart condition to God: Even though I don't want to admit it, I wage a bloody war with my flesh every day and so much of the time, the flesh wins. Sometimes I don't feel the passion for God I long to have. Sometimes I feel so tired and worn thin that I wonder if God will ever use me. Will the silence following the long-held dreams and prayers always be silence? Will there never be a break-through with God's fingerprint written all over it? God, do you still love me even though I'm struggling?
Though being honest and writing out these words is good and I'm not afraid to tell God the truth (because He already knows it), in the end I don't have the immediate answers to any of these questions. Rather, I know the truth, but I know God is the only One who can help my heart believe it. We don't have to be afraid of our very human questions and struggles because in the end, the truth is always the same. GOD NEVER CHANGES.
I was not put in this place by mistake. Every detail, every moment, every struggle, every day of waiting, every question, was put here by God Himself. Sometimes it's best to come before God and admit that you feel especially broken in this moment, this day, this month, this year, or this host of years. That your faith is taking a beating and you're really tired. That you don't love Him as much as you want to. That you wish you were not here right now where He has placed you.
I'm not sharing this here on my blog to give you answers or to tell you that God will give you an "aha" moment. I'm telling you this so that you can know you're not alone in your questions. So that you can have the courage to admit all of the un-pretty parts in your heart to our Savior. That you're not perfectly held together. That today you feel really ugly. To tell you that in the midst of all of our questions and struggles, the truth never changes but we desperately need Him to help us believe it.
Read the below scriptures to replace the lies with never-changing truth.
Ephesians 3:20, Psalm 73:23, Psalm 68:19, Matthew 10:30, Psalm 139:16, Hebrews 2:17-18, Isaiah 48:17, Psalm 139:13-14, Jeremiah 1:5, Ephesians 2:10, Psalm 138:8, Philippians 1:6, Isaiah 26:7